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I have been very busy lately with solar panel
paperwork lately, so here’s a bit of cheap satire about Christmas shopping at
bookstores these days. A few words of
explanation:
·
Chapters is the big Canadian
chain bookstore, rather like Barnes and Noble.
·
Whyte avenue is a trendy
urban neighborhood in my home city of Edmonton, Canada, with plenty of buskers
and other interesting city sights.
·
The Strathcona Farmer’s
market has a great cheese selection, among other things, and is just a few
blocks from Chapters.
·
Monty Python is one of the
funniest TV shows ever done, and the Cheese Shop sketch is a classic.
================================================================
The
Book Shop (with apologies to Monty Python and their Cheese Shop sketch)
(a customer walks in the
door)
Customer:
Good Morning.
Clerk:
Good morning, Sir. Welcome to Chapters Indigo!
Customer: Ah,
thank you, my good man.
Clerk:
What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer:
Well, I was, uh, sitting in the cheese section of the Strathcona Farmer’s
Market on Whyte Avenue just now, sampling the selection of Edams by Sylvan
Star, and I suddenly came over all bookish.
Clerk:
Bookish, sir?
Customer:
Literary.
Clerk: Eh?
Customer: I were all readerly-like!
Clerk: Ah,
readerly!
Customer: In
a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a few inked-up paper folios will do
the trick," so, I curtailed my cheesy activities, sallied forth, and
infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some bookish
consumables!
Clerk:
Come again?
Customer: I
want to buy some books.
Clerk: Oh,
I thought you were complaining about the street buskers!
Customer: Oh,
heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Harmoncan
muse!
Clerk:
Sorry?
Customer: 'Oh,
Ah like a nice tune, 'when I’m forced to!
Clerk: So
he can go on playing, can he?
Customer:
Most certainly! Now then, some books please, my good man.
Clerk: (lustily) Certainly, sir.
What would you like?
Customer:
Well, eh, how about a little literary fiction.
Clerk:
I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of literary fiction, sir. Perhaps a nice pillow.
Customer: Oh,
never mind the pillows, how are you on mysteries?
Clerk: I'm
afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on
Monday.
Customer:
Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, the final four volumes of Harry
Potter, if you please.
Clerk: Ah!
They’ve beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer:
'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Hooks?
Clerk:
Sorry, sir. How about a blanket?
Customer: I
don’t want a blanket, I want a book.
Science Fiction?
Clerk:
Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah.
History?
Clerk:
Sorry.
Customer:
Classics? Shakespeare?
Clerk: No. A scented candle? It sets the stage.
Customer: No. Any Norwegian playwrights, Ibsen per chance?
Clerk:
No. Fresh out of Ibsen. A DVD on Vikings?
Customer: No, I want a book.
Finance?
Clerk: No. But we have a monopoly game. It contains Reading Railroad.
Customer: That’s not how you pronounce it. And it’s not a book, is it?
Clerk: No,
sir. Not technically. But is sounds like it could be.
Customer: Biography?
Clerk: No.
Customer: Game
of Thrones?
Clerk: Ah,
no, but we have the game of chess.
Customer: Is
that a book called The Game of Chess?
Clerk: Not
as such sir. More of a chess set, really.
Customer: A travel book then - a Danish
dictionary?
Clerk: No.
No sir, but we have Danishes in the Starbucks.
Customer: Series?
Clerk:
Yes, sir, I am very serious.
Customer:
(rolling eyes) Horror?
Clerk: (Jumps) Where?
Customer: Well,
not in this supposed bookshop, obviously.
Action and Adventure?
Clerk: No, sir, the life of a bookstore clerk is
pretty dull.
Customer:
Drama, Self-help, Cookbooks, Religion, Anthologies, True Crime, Law, Poetry?
Clerk: No.
Customer: Camus,
perhaps?
Clerk: Ah!
We have Camus, yessir.
Customer: (suprised) You do!
Excellent.
Clerk:
Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit dog eared...
Customer: Oh,
I like dog eared existentialists.
Clerk:
Well,.. It's very dog eared, actually, sir.
Customer: No
matter. Fetch hither the livre de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Clerk:
I...think it's a bit more dog eared than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I
don't care how dog eared it is. Hand it
over with all speed.
Clerk:
Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Customer:
What now?
Clerk: The
dog's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Clerk:
She, sir.
Customer: (pause) Perhaps English
existentialism, then. The play about
Godot?
Clerk: Afraid
we’re still waiting for that one sir.
Customer: Naturally. Western adventure?
Clerk: No.
Customer: Eastern
philosophy?
Clerk: No.
Customer: Northern
Exploration?
Clerk: No.
Customer: Southern
Gothic?
Clerk: No,
sir. But we have a wide selection of maps
and compasses.
Customer:
You...do *have* some books, don't you?
Clerk: (brightly) Of course, sir.
It's a book shop, sir. We've got—
Customer: No,
no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Clerk:
Fair enough.
Customer:
Uuuuuh, Children’s books.
Clerk:
Yes?
Customer: Ah,
well, I'll have some of those!
Clerk: Oh!
I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Childrensbooks, that's my name.
Customer: (pause) And a most
inappropriate one. Greek drama? Euripides?
Clerk: (looking
down anxiously) I ripped my what sir?
Customer:
Uuh, Economics?
Clerk: No.
Customer: Political
Science,
Clerk: No.
Customer: Sociology,
Clerk: No.
Customer: Anthropology,
Clerk: No.
Customer: The
Joy of Sex,
Clerk: Flattered,
sir, but you’re not my type.
Customer: There
doesn’t seem to be much type around here, especially of the printed variety. Czech poetry,
Clerk: I
already checked earlier, sir, there is no poetry.
Customer:
Venezuelan astrophysical journals?
Clerk: Not
*today*, sir, no.
Customer: (pause) Aah, how about the
Bible?
Clerk:
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not
much ca-- it's the single most popular book in the world!
Clerk: Not
'round here, sir.
Customer: (slight pause) and what IS
the most popular book 'round hyah?
Clerk: The
Kama Sutra, sir.
Customer: IS
it.
Clerk: Oh,
yes, it's staggeringly popular in on this avenue, squire.
Customer: Is
it.
Clerk:
It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I
see. Uuh...'The Kama Sutra’, eh?
Clerk:
Right, sir.
Customer: All
right. Okay. 'Have you got it?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Clerk:
I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer:
It's not much of a book shop, is it?
Clerk:
Finest on the avenue!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the
logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Clerk:
Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer:
It's certainly uncontaminated by books....
Clerk: (brightly) You haven't
asked me about thrillers, sir.
Customer:
Would it be worth it?
Clerk:
Could be....
Customer:
Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY HARMONICA OFF!
Clerk:
Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any thrillers?
Clerk: No.
Customer:
Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to
have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Clerk:
Yessir?
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in
fact got any books here at all.
Clerk:
Yes, sir.
Customer:
Really?
(pause)
Clerk: No.
Not really, sir.
Customer: You
haven't.
Clerk:
Nosir. Not a scrap. It’s because of
Amazon - we can’t match their prices. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir,
hoping you would buy a $40 pillow or a $20 scented candle.
Customer:
Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shop on-line for a book now.
Clerk:
Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out an
iPad and buys Nathan’s Adventure in
the Other-Other Land from Amazon)
Customer: (shaking head) What a *senseless* waste of time this bookstore
visit was. (smiles) Oh, well, this Amazon book looks like just the thing for
my little nephew.
===================================================================
And
here’s a vaguely related comic strip:
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